January 23rd, 2011 by MIchelle

I’ve decided to write this post to clear a few things up. First off, I would like to say that I am not a fan of PDA (public display of affection). Danny isn’t either. I am not a googly eyed girlfriend that gets all mushy, especially not in public. I have my moments, but no one except Danny sees those and writing on this blog about those moments is something that I always question a few times before posting them. Typically, we would never cuddle with a random in the room watching our every move let alone with parents around. I’ve gotten past those things and agreed to the public cuddle when asked for by Danny. Whatever he wants right?

However, I will say that these cuddle sessions aren’t exactly the most comfortable. There are times when the IV and rubber tubes/lines manage to stay in place enough so that I’m not strangled or so that my head is at least on a soft surface rather than laying on a plastic box. There must be ten different wires and tubes that I have to, ever so cautiously, wiggle my way around to get into a comfortable position for Danny. Once I’m there and Danny is still, I try my hardest not to move until he wakes. I sit there, with my head pressed against the plastic sidewall of his bed, and stare at the random “babysitter” in the room trying not to make eye contact as to not create an awkward situation already more awkward.

When Danny finally moves, he will most likely pull a wire off his chest or jokingly wrap the humidifier tube around my neck and the random “babysitter” will then get up and hover over us until things are back into place. The humidifier is another thing in itself. When we are in said comfortable for Danny position I feel a humid mist on the back of my neck. I hear a gurgle which is a mix of flem from his lungs and the humidifier. Sometimes, if Danny coughs, a little spit might fly out of his tracheostomy and into my hair. I try not to think about that.

In a twin sized bed, there is hardly enough room for two and especially under these circumstances. I love that Danny wants to be close and all, but when my feet are falling off the bed I have to balance, flexing my abs to keep me in place, so that I don’t fall off feet first. When I finally get some shut eye I am usually fast asleep, but I have bad dreams of the nurse coming in to draw blood and accidentally grabbing my arm instead of Danny’s. Getting blood drawn must be one of the worst ways to be woken up.

All of this aside, I am happy to be there in whatever way Danny wants me there. If I were Danny and my two options were between cuddling or having restraints put on to hold me in place, I would chose cuddling too. I have never had the opportunity to cuddle in the ICU and the thought of that makes me laugh. Although this cuddling experience has been heart warming, I hope I never have this opportunity again.

-Michelle