January 21st, 2011 by Conor

To Ellie, Conor, David, Michelle and Joe,

I just wanted each of you to know that in no way can I remotely fathom what you are going through, but as a family member, I absolutely share your pain and your joys as Danny slowly comes back to us.

From my mom, my sisters, brothers-in-law and all of the cousins I can tell you that we have been devastated by this experience. We are all forever changed by it – in ways we can see and in ways we have yet to experience

I have hope, faith and love, and a great deal of it, but I also have a sorrow that goes deeper into my soul than anything I have experienced since dad died 15 years ago.

I have a pit in my stomach that I can’t get rid of. I cry at the drop of a hat. I squeak by each day, doing what is demanded of me and at the end of the day I am spent, empty, hollow and flat.

I can’t wait for night to come so I can go to bed, then I can’t sleep. Or, I fall asleep and wake up hours later, in the middle of the night and wish that I could be in room 5109 with Danny, Conor and Michelle.

I drive home after work and drive right past my house because I am distracted, worried or crying.

I’m hungry, but I don’t feel like eating. I can’t stand being alone but I don’t want to be around people. I just want to be in the presence of my family and a few close friends.
I want people to ask me how Danny is doing, but I don’t always know how to answer.

And it’s selfish, but I want someone to ask me how I’m doing. Then, I’m afraid my answer will unleash an unstoppable wave of grief that will alienate their concern.

I am glad when my work week is done because it’s hard to go through the motions. Then the weekend arrives and I am unable to approach it with my usual joy and abandon. Nothing is fun anymore.

I desperately want to turn back time before Jan. 3, or play it forward a couple of years because I absolutely hate this place we are in right now.

To my family: I am so grateful for each and every one of you. Our family is the bomb!

We need each other right now – you are absolutely everything to me.

And in turn, Danny, Conor, Ellie, David, Michelle and Joe – we want to be everything to you. Just let us know how….

We have been there from the beginning and we’re in it for the duration.

With love,
Carol